A man, a woman, a toddler, a baby, and a dog

Planning

December 21st, 2006 Posted in infertility, inside my head

Recently someone new learned of our infertility.  I got the response that at least we have the luxury of planning, that not everyone gets that.  Of course, that sort of made me think she did not have that luxury, which is fine, I suppose.  But I thought, if things went according to my “plan” I would have had a baby by now!  I don’t consider infertility as a luxury of being able to plan.  Clearly things are not going according to plan.  Which is the opposite of what this person most likely experienced, the unplanned pregnancy.  I have the unplanned non-pregnancy.  That being said, I did not talk with this person about how long this is taking for us, so she didn’t have that information.  I also won’t say that I was hurt by this comment, but it definitely led me to think.

Another strange thing I think about is that my dad, me, and my brother all have birthyears ending in “0.”  My mom’s birthyear ends in “5.”  We started this journey late 2004.  Of course, I thought that maybe, just maybe I’d have a late 2005 baby to keep up with the easy to remember birthyears.  Of course, things did not go as planned.   Maybe I’ll have a late 2007 baby, maybe a 2008 baby.  To keep up with my tradition I’d have to wait until 2010.  I honestly hope that I’m not having my first child in 2010, but I suppose that is possible.

  1. 9 Responses to “Planning”

  2. By teamwinks on Dec 21, 2006

    OH, don’t say that out loud! NO! Don’t jinx it! ;-)

  3. By Jessica on Dec 21, 2006

    :) Your response gave me a good laugh. Hopefully I didn’t jinx it. I suppose I do have this “edit” feature.

  4. By Amy on Dec 21, 2006

    Wow, I would never look at infertility as a luxury. Planning requires some sort of control over a situation and to me infertility has left me the consumate control freak feeling totally our of control and with out any plan. I guess everyone has a different perspective. I probably would have said some snarky comment to the person!

    Thanks for stopping by my blog the other day.

  5. By Jessica on Dec 21, 2006

    Thanks for stopping by mine! I had thought I’d added you to my blogroll. I’m trying to gradually build that up. I have two problems though. The first is that I feel weird just adding people who have no idea who I am. I realize commenting on others sites helps with that. The second is that if I just add everybody all at once, then I may get confused about who is who, so I’m slowly adding to it so that I slowly learn who everyone is individually. Not sure if that made any sense. In any case, I had meant to add you and will go do that, if that’s ok.

    That being said, I couldn’t really be very snarky with this person. Often I realize that someone doesn’t mean for what they said to sound bad, but it does anyway, and I generally try not to get upset at those things. I know I responded to that somehow, but I was mostly kind of surprised at the concept. You’re right though, Having a plan implies some sort of control over the situation, which I very much don’t have right now.

  6. By Geof F. Morris on Dec 21, 2006

    To argue that those who have fertility issues get the luxury of planning is, well, an argument that doesn’t even work prima facie. Gracious.

    But yes … I think that folks who are new to infertility or new to yours specifically are going to be at a loss for the proper things to say. [Mainly because, well, what do you say, other than "You have my support" and "I'm here if you need to vent"?] But society has convinced us that we have to Say Something. Lord knows I say a lot of dumb crap just to fill space.

    [Please! Laugh with me here. Y'all have known me for a loooooong time, and y'all know it's true.]

    The feeling of powerlessness sucks. That’s where you have to step out in faith and grace. I pray for both for the both of you, that struggling through this won’t shake your faith but will strengthen it.

  7. By Jessica on Dec 21, 2006

    I agree that there’s no real answer as of what to say. I’m sure many of the “wrong” things to say, I would have said in response in a past life, if the roles were reversed.

    So far, my faith is what keeps me going. I can’t really explain it well, but I just know that whatever happens in the end, it will be ok. I know that ultimately we’ll find our children. Finding the right path to them is the hard part. I realize that’s what prayer is for. I obviously still don’t know the solution, but I know that we will get there in the end somehow.

  8. By Geof F. Morris on Dec 21, 2006

    It warms my heart to read those words. May you both continue to hold fast to those words and that faith, which will sustain you.

  9. By Kris on Dec 21, 2006

    I agree with Amy. “The luxury to plan” implies some degree of control. And these days, pretty much the only thing I have control over is whether or not I shave my legs before an appointment.

    I found you from an comment on the Stirrup Queens- I saw you were an engineer, too.

  10. By Mel on Dec 23, 2006

    Luxury to plan? How is anything going to plan? And she sounds as if other people have a child sprung on them without warning. They had sex–they knew what would/could happen. And there are 9 months before the child arrives to use for preparation…

    Thanks for the comment this week giving the other side of the diagnostic world.

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